Of love & fair-angels
Love. I first heard of it as a pre-teen during one of those lunch sharing sessions in school on a dusty & sunny summer afternoon. I did not understand it then as much as I fail to do now. A few zealous classmates of mine were all agog to experiment this ‘chemical thing’ on one of the fair-angels strolling around the playground in bevies, high on the attention showered on them. Some actually came out successful in their experiments and managed to woo a few of those bevies. However, I never got to know how they did it or how the fair-angels reacted to whatever they did. But I have to admit they made me feel ‘wanting’ now that they had the privileged company of the fair-angels and I did not. Not only that. They also seemed to be accomplished in life. ‘Already’, I asked? ‘Yes’, they replied, ‘Because we have found love’. Well good for them, I thought. But my mind could never find an answer as to how one should find love or for that matter why.
I continued to remain inadequate throughout my school days spanning the teenage years, even as many of my classmates found, lost and found love again each time with a different ‘angel’. But that did not make me any better. Because heart-breaks and mends seemed to be a part and parcel of this process and one cannot claim to have experienced love entirely without these ‘breaks’. My inadequacy in the earlier years had made me diffident in my approach towards the ‘fair-angels’ so much so that I shuddered at the thought of extending the hand of friendship towards them, forget love. This only made me more inadequate until it became a vicious cycle of inadequacy and deprivation. I sunk deeper and deeper into this vortex. The fair-angles continued to remain an enigma to me and the pleasure of their company eluded me. Not knowing what to do or whom to turn to, I took recourse in books and studies. I buried myself in them in the hope that the disturbing thoughts could never find me. I do not know how far I succeeded but it did boost my academic performance. Thus, unlike many of my classmates, the ‘academic’ love had taken precedence in my life over the love spawned by ‘fair-angels’. It is not that I did not seek or crave for them. But with me it just did not happen. I never had a choice. On top of that my less-than-appealing features, look-wise, color-wise & figure-wise, almost closed the doors for me on that front. Nevertheless I continued to further the only ‘love’ of my life. I landed in the best college in my state known not only for brains but also beauty-with-brains. ‘A killer combo’, I was warned. I could only believe them having no knowledge of my own in this regard. I started daydreaming in the hope that my grade sheet would more than make up for my physical features or the lack of it. Boy, I was sadly mistaken. The killer combos almost had me. No, it was neither their beauty nor their brains but their sheer vanity which did it. Whoever said ‘frailty thy name is woman’ could not have been more correct. Every day I dressed, what I believed, was to the occasion of you-know-what. I made myself visible in all those spots where the ‘combos’ thronged. I even wore the I-am-available look and smile as advised by some of my ‘successful’ mates. But attention was the last thing I received. The ‘combos’ were surrounded by an air of vanity & pride and ah yes a coterie of ‘angel-worshippers’. Whatever charm or attitude I exuded could never penetrate the layers. The result was that I stepped into adulthood without tasting what they claimed to be the ‘nectar of life’ (no physical allusion here). Meanwhile my academic pursuits continued to gain more and more importance in my life taking me places literally.
My next stop was an engineering college of repute somewhere in the southern part of India. Before I make public any of my misadventures there it is necessary to lay some myths here, myths which were obviously busted.
Myth # 1 – Engineering College fair-angels are mature. Inner beauty and not physical beauty is what they look for.
Myth # 2 – Engineering College is the place where you are most likely to find your ‘better half’ because it is the place where interplay of impressionable minds happen.
Myth # 3 – Engineering College is your last chance to get yourself a partner.
Well here are the busters that I figured out after my four years of fruitless efforts in the light of the ‘sermons’.
Buster # 1 – Engineering College bevies are the most insecure lot. The immaturity and caprices they demonstrate in their behavior would put a kindergarten kid to shame. So to expect them to be a judge of inner beauty is a gross foolishness on your part.
Buster # 2 – Impressionable? my foot. ‘Mills & Boons’ & ‘Sydney Seldons’ only thickens the mucus of irrational thought in their mind which guides their behavior.
Myth # 3 – It does not need a buster, because it is not a myth at all.
Ok in this myth and reality exercise I forgot to mention one thing. That my plight of deprivation of the company of fair-angels continued unabated. Needless to mention that, years of continued deprivation had left me vulnerable and un-toothed. Vulnerable because any member of the species of fair-angels could make me go weak on my knees and my dealings with them invariably became a one-sided affair. I could not bring myself to have any sort of conversation with them. Un-toothed because there was no fire left within me to carry on any act of courtship; which is paramount in any such romantic ventures. Honestly, I had lost my guts. But that is not to say that I had lost the romance in life. Books continued to excite me, music continued to enrapture my mind. And of course movies, my second love (the first being books) continued to provide me vicarious pleasures.
I am a grown up man now. The days of high schools and colleges have become a thing of the past. All the images then are no longer in my mind. They have been relegated to the folds of photo albums in some dusty corners of a steel almirah. But I am still in search of an angel, an angel who would lend purpose to my existence, an angel who would be a part of my being as much as I, an angel with whom I can be myself. Yes I am frustrated and a little tired. But I will continue my search. I am not going to commit myself to any societal norms no matter how much the pressure is. I am not sure of success in my pursuit. I will continue my search to the grave. And then my epitaph will read ‘He just didn’t get lucky’.
I continued to remain inadequate throughout my school days spanning the teenage years, even as many of my classmates found, lost and found love again each time with a different ‘angel’. But that did not make me any better. Because heart-breaks and mends seemed to be a part and parcel of this process and one cannot claim to have experienced love entirely without these ‘breaks’. My inadequacy in the earlier years had made me diffident in my approach towards the ‘fair-angels’ so much so that I shuddered at the thought of extending the hand of friendship towards them, forget love. This only made me more inadequate until it became a vicious cycle of inadequacy and deprivation. I sunk deeper and deeper into this vortex. The fair-angles continued to remain an enigma to me and the pleasure of their company eluded me. Not knowing what to do or whom to turn to, I took recourse in books and studies. I buried myself in them in the hope that the disturbing thoughts could never find me. I do not know how far I succeeded but it did boost my academic performance. Thus, unlike many of my classmates, the ‘academic’ love had taken precedence in my life over the love spawned by ‘fair-angels’. It is not that I did not seek or crave for them. But with me it just did not happen. I never had a choice. On top of that my less-than-appealing features, look-wise, color-wise & figure-wise, almost closed the doors for me on that front. Nevertheless I continued to further the only ‘love’ of my life. I landed in the best college in my state known not only for brains but also beauty-with-brains. ‘A killer combo’, I was warned. I could only believe them having no knowledge of my own in this regard. I started daydreaming in the hope that my grade sheet would more than make up for my physical features or the lack of it. Boy, I was sadly mistaken. The killer combos almost had me. No, it was neither their beauty nor their brains but their sheer vanity which did it. Whoever said ‘frailty thy name is woman’ could not have been more correct. Every day I dressed, what I believed, was to the occasion of you-know-what. I made myself visible in all those spots where the ‘combos’ thronged. I even wore the I-am-available look and smile as advised by some of my ‘successful’ mates. But attention was the last thing I received. The ‘combos’ were surrounded by an air of vanity & pride and ah yes a coterie of ‘angel-worshippers’. Whatever charm or attitude I exuded could never penetrate the layers. The result was that I stepped into adulthood without tasting what they claimed to be the ‘nectar of life’ (no physical allusion here). Meanwhile my academic pursuits continued to gain more and more importance in my life taking me places literally.
My next stop was an engineering college of repute somewhere in the southern part of India. Before I make public any of my misadventures there it is necessary to lay some myths here, myths which were obviously busted.
Myth # 1 – Engineering College fair-angels are mature. Inner beauty and not physical beauty is what they look for.
Myth # 2 – Engineering College is the place where you are most likely to find your ‘better half’ because it is the place where interplay of impressionable minds happen.
Myth # 3 – Engineering College is your last chance to get yourself a partner.
Well here are the busters that I figured out after my four years of fruitless efforts in the light of the ‘sermons’.
Buster # 1 – Engineering College bevies are the most insecure lot. The immaturity and caprices they demonstrate in their behavior would put a kindergarten kid to shame. So to expect them to be a judge of inner beauty is a gross foolishness on your part.
Buster # 2 – Impressionable? my foot. ‘Mills & Boons’ & ‘Sydney Seldons’ only thickens the mucus of irrational thought in their mind which guides their behavior.
Myth # 3 – It does not need a buster, because it is not a myth at all.
Ok in this myth and reality exercise I forgot to mention one thing. That my plight of deprivation of the company of fair-angels continued unabated. Needless to mention that, years of continued deprivation had left me vulnerable and un-toothed. Vulnerable because any member of the species of fair-angels could make me go weak on my knees and my dealings with them invariably became a one-sided affair. I could not bring myself to have any sort of conversation with them. Un-toothed because there was no fire left within me to carry on any act of courtship; which is paramount in any such romantic ventures. Honestly, I had lost my guts. But that is not to say that I had lost the romance in life. Books continued to excite me, music continued to enrapture my mind. And of course movies, my second love (the first being books) continued to provide me vicarious pleasures.
I am a grown up man now. The days of high schools and colleges have become a thing of the past. All the images then are no longer in my mind. They have been relegated to the folds of photo albums in some dusty corners of a steel almirah. But I am still in search of an angel, an angel who would lend purpose to my existence, an angel who would be a part of my being as much as I, an angel with whom I can be myself. Yes I am frustrated and a little tired. But I will continue my search. I am not going to commit myself to any societal norms no matter how much the pressure is. I am not sure of success in my pursuit. I will continue my search to the grave. And then my epitaph will read ‘He just didn’t get lucky’.
posted by joy4uda at 9:42 AM
2 Comments:
hey joydeep..nice read....u seem to be obssessed with this topic:D..i read a couple of ur blogs related to this....u know wht m half way writin thru a similar topic....hehhe...Pratish
i must say that this piece of writing is the best I hav read in a long time now...
and yeah....i read atleast arnd 8-10 blogs everydy ;)
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